Depression Burger Recipe
Bible Translation: Genesis Chapter 42
Joseph was an asshole and then he wasn’t.
Joseph’s Brothers Go to Egypt
When Jacob heard grain was available in Egypt, he told his sons, “Break up the circle jerk. Go get some grain from Egypt. So we don’t die.”
All of Joseph’s brothers went to Egypt except his younger brother Benjamin. Jacob was afraid for him.
When they arrived, they bowed to Joseph. He immediately recognized them but pretended he didn’t.
He was an asshole to them. They deserved it. “Where are you from?” he demanded.
They replied “From Canaan. We’ve come to buy food.” They didn’t recognize him.
“Liars! You’re spies!”
“No, my lord! Your servants have simply come for food. We are all brothers and honest men.”
“Promise. There are actually 12 of us. Our youngest brother stayed in Canaan with our father and one of our brothers is no longer with us.”
“Pants on fire! How about a test? One of you will fetch your younger brother while the rest of you are imprisoned. If your younger brother doesn’t arrive, you’ll never leave Egypt.”
Then he put them in prison instead. Joseph went soft on the third day. He told his brothers, “I am a God-fearing man. Listen and you will live. If you’re being honest, choose a brother to remain in prison. The rest may take the grain to your families. But you must bring your younger brother back. Prove this and you won’t die.” They agreed.
Speaking amongst themselves, they said “Karma’s a bitch. Clearly we’re being punished for what we did to Joseph.”
“Told you,” Reuben said. “Now we have to answer for it.”
Joseph heard them and cried. He regained his composure and chose Simeon to be tied up and remain in prison.
Joseph ordered his servants to fill the men’s sacks with grain, but he also had them secretly return each brother’s payment at the top of each sack. He also gave them supplies for the journey home.
When they stopped for the night they found the returned money. For some reason, they were upset. “What has God done to us?”
They told Jacob everything that had happened to them. They were all terrified when they saw the bags of money. Jacob said “You’re robbing me of my children! Joseph is gone! Simeon is gone! And now you want to take Benjamin, too!”
Then Reuben said “You can kill my two sons if I don’t bring Benjamin back. I promise to bring him back.”
Jacob replied “My son will not go with you. He’s all I have left.” (That must have made the others feel great). “If anything happened to him, you would send this grieving, white-haired man to his grave.”
Genesis Chapter 41 Translation
Joseph interpreted Pharaoh’s dream and became ruler of Egypt.
Two years later, Pharaoh dreamed he was on the bank of the Nile River. He saw 7 fat cows come from the river and begin eating the grass. Then 7 emaciated cows came from the river and ate the fat cows. Pharaoh woke.
Then fell back asleep and had a second dream. Seven large heads of grain grew on a single stalk. Then seven shriveled heads of grain ate the healthy ones.
The next day, a disturbed Pharaoh called on all the magicians and wise men of Egypt. None could tell him what the dreams meant.
All of a sudden, the chief cup-bearer spoke up. “That reminds me, two years ago, when you imprisoned me and the chief baker, we both had different dreams. A young Hebrew man, who was the slave of the captain of the guard, interpreted our dreams. Everything he said came true! You gave me my job and killed the chief baker.”
Pharaoh immediately sent for Joseph. He shaved and showered, then stood before Pharaoh. Pharaoh said “I had a dream and I heard you can interpret it.”
Joseph said “I can’t, but God can.”
So Pharaoh told him his dreams.
Joseph responded, “Both dreams mean the same thing. God is telling you there will be seven years of prosperity followed by seven years of famine. The famine will be so bad that the good years will be forgotten. Therefore, Pharaoh should find and intelligent and wise man and put him in charge of Egypt. Like me.
Then he should appoint supervisors to collect 1/5 of all the crops grown during the good years. This way there will be food during the famine.”
Joseph Made Ruler of Egypt
Pharaoh put Joseph in charge of Egypt.
“Only I will rank higher than you,” he said.
Then Pharaoh removed his signet ring and put it on Joseph’s finger. Joseph said “I do.” Pharaoh dressed him in the finest linens and put a gold chain around his neck. Then he had Joseph ride in the chariot reserved for his second-in-command.
Then Pharaoh changed Joseph’s name to Zaphenath-paneah. He also gave him a wife named Asenath. Joseph was 30 at the time.
During the seven years of prosperity, Joseph and Asenath had two sons. The oldest was Manaseeh and the youngest was Ephraim.
When the famine struck, other countries were also affected, but Egypt had plenty of food. People from around the world came to see Joseph to buy food.