Christmas Dinner


Why I’m Medicated

I don’t think about why I’m taking my medicine anymore.

In the beginning, I knew each pill was a step in the right direction, perfectly calibrated to make life more bearable and help me work through my depression. Turn my baseline anxiety from an 8 to a 3, which keeps me from reaching a 10 and tracing door frames with my eyes in stressful situations.

Tonight was the first time in a long time I noticed the bottle in my hand as I fished a pill. Maybe because my bottle was in the living room instead of the bedroom. It made me remember why I fill my prescription every month. I don’t want to forget to breathe when I’m anxious, or to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, or reminding myself that no task is as important as being in a good mental space. Because without working on myself, the medication won’t work.

Losing My Garmin, Not My Mind

I lost my Garmin on vacation. It sucked, but not too bad.

Vacation isn’t supposed to make you think about depression, but that’s the main theme of last week. I had a great time and was mentally in a good place while we were gone, but I was reminded just how much work I have to do (as well as how far I’ve come). Outside of the routine I’ve constructed in my day to day life (run, stretch, breakfast, shower, write, read, work) I was more anxious. My routine masks some of those feelings, and of course I didn’t notice until my routine changed.

I also lost my Garmin watch to the ocean.  What I didn’t lose was my mind. It sucked. But I was able to move on fairly quickly. It may have even lessened my anxiety. I’m constantly looking at my watch, wondering what’s next. How much time? On and on. Even on vacation with nothing to do, I constantly checked my watch. Without it I could completely disconnect.

While away I took a break from running and writing, even though I’m in the middle of training for a half marathon. Not running was especially tough, but it was the classic case of taking a break to miss it. I can’t wait to get back out there this week.  My new Garmin watch will be here tomorrow. Because if you didn’t track your run it didn’t happen.