Bible Translation: Genesis Chapter 42

Joseph’s Brothers Go to Egypt

When Jacob heard grain was available in Egypt, he told his sons, “Break up the circle jerk. Go get some grain from Egypt. So we don’t die.”

All of Joseph’s brothers went to Egypt except his younger brother Benjamin. Jacob was afraid for him.
When they arrived, they bowed to Joseph. He immediately recognized them but pretended he didn’t.

He was an asshole to them. They deserved it. “Where are you from?” he demanded.
They replied “From Canaan. We’ve come to buy food.” They didn’t recognize him.
“Liars! You’re spies!”

“No, my lord! Your servants have simply come for food. We are all brothers and honest men.”
“Bullshit!”

“Promise. There are actually 12 of us. Our youngest brother stayed in Canaan with our father and one of our brothers is no longer with us.”
“Pants on fire! How about a test? One of you will fetch your younger brother while the rest of you are imprisoned. If your younger brother doesn’t arrive, you’ll never leave Egypt.”

Then he put them in prison instead. Joseph went soft on the third day. He told his brothers, “I am a God-fearing man. Listen and you will live. If you’re being honest, choose a brother to remain in prison. The rest may take the grain to your families. But you must bring your younger brother back. Prove this and you won’t die.” They agreed.
Speaking amongst themselves, they said “Karma’s a bitch. Clearly we’re being punished for what we did to Joseph.”

“Told you,” Reuben said. “Now we have to answer for it.”
Joseph heard them and cried. He regained his composure and chose Simeon to be tied up and remain in prison.
Joseph ordered his servants to fill the men’s sacks with grain, but he also had them secretly return each brother’s payment at the top of each sack. He also gave them supplies for the journey home.
When they stopped for the night they found the returned money. For some reason, they were upset. “What has God done to us?”

They told Jacob everything that had happened to them. They were all terrified when they saw the bags of money. Jacob said “You’re robbing me of my children! Joseph is gone! Simeon is gone! And now you want to take Benjamin, too!”
Then Reuben said “You can kill my two sons if I don’t bring Benjamin back. I promise to bring him back.”
Jacob replied “My son will not go with you. He’s all I have left.” (That must have made the others feel great). “If anything happened to him, you would send this grieving, white-haired man to his grave.”

Genesis Chapter 40 Translation

Joseph Interprets Two Dreams

Pharaoh’s chief cup-bearer and chief baker pissed off their royal master, so he put them in the prison where Joseph was. The captain of the guard assigned Joseph to look after them.
The cup-bearer and baker each had a different dream on the same night. Joseph noticed they looked upset the next morning. “Why the sad faces?” he asked.
They replied “No one can tell us what our dreams mean.”
“Interpreting dreams is God’s business. Tell them to me.”
The chief cup-bearer went first. “I saw a grapevine in front of me. It had three branches that began to bud and blossom, and soon it produced clusters of ripe grapes. I was holding Pharaoh’s wine cup, so I took a cluster of grapes and squeezed the juice into the cup. Then I put it in Pharaoh’s hand.”
“Within three days Pharaoh will pardon you.”

Please do me a favor when you get out. Mention me to Pharaoh, so he might free me. I was kidnapped and don’t deserve to be here.”
The chief baker was hoping that his dream would also have a positive interpretation. “In my dream there were three baskets of white pastries stacked on my head. The top basket contained pastries for Pharaoh, but the birds ate them.” He should have known this was bad. Nothing good can come from losing Pharaoh’s pastries.
Joseph said “Three days from now Pharaoh will impale your body on a pole. Then birds will peck at your flesh.”

Pharaoh’s birthday came three days later and he prepared a banquet for his officials and staff. His chief cup-bearer and chief baker were also summoned. He restored the chief cup-bearer to his former position. But Pharaoh impaled the chief baker, just as Joseph had said he would. The chief cup-bearer forgot about Joseph and never spoke to Pharaoh about him.

Bible Translation: Genesis Ch. 39

Joseph in Potiphar’s House

Previously on Selling Joseph: Joseph was sold to Potiphar, captain of the guard for Egypt’s Pharaoh.

God made sure Joseph succeeded in everything he did. Potiphar noticed this and made him his personal attendant. God began blessing Potiphar’s household for Joseph’s sake. His crops and livestock flourished. So Potiphar promoted Joseph and gave him complete administrative responsibility over everything he owned. He didn’t worry about anything.
Joseph was a stud, and Potiphar’s wife was thirsty. She demanded he sleep with her.

Joseph refused. “Look, my master trusts me with everything. No one has more authority than I do. He has held nothing back except you, because you’re his wife. How could I be so wicked? I’m not a sinner.”

She kept harassing him and he kept refusing.

He tried avoiding her. One day when he was alone, she grabbed him by his cloak and demanded he sleep with her again. Joseph tore himself away, but left his cloak in her hand as he ran from the house naked.

She called to her servants, “Look! My husband brought this Hebrew slave to make fools of us! He tried raping me. He ran outside when I screamed.”
She kept the cloak with her until Potiphar came home, then she told him her story.

Joseph Gets Locked Up

Potiphar was pissed. He threw Joseph into the prison. But God was behind bars with Joseph and showed him his faithful love.

God made Joseph a favorite with the prison warden. Soon the warden put Joseph in charge of the prisoners and the prison’s affairs. He didn’t have to worry about anything because God made sure Joseph succeeded.

Bible Translation: Genesis Chapter 38

Judah and Tamar

Judah moved to Adullam to stay with a dude named Hirah. He married a Canaanite woman. She gave birth to 3 sons while they lived in Kezib. Judah arranged for his firstborn son, Er, to marry a woman named Tamar. When the marriage official asked if anyone objected, God killed Er because he was wicked.

So Judah urged Er’s brother, Onan, to marry Tamar since the law requires the brother of a deceased groom to marry the bride. “You must produce an heir for your brother.”

But Onan didn’t want a child who wasn’t his own heir. So whenever they had sex, he pulled out.

But God considered it evil for him to deny his dead brother a child, so he killed Onan. Even though he thought Er was wicked, which was why he killed him in the first place.

Judah told Tamar, who he still considered his daughter-in-law, “Go live as a widow with your parents until my third son, Shelah, is old enough to marry you. Third time’s a charm.” Strange considering age really was nothing but a number back then. But Judah didn’t intend for this to happen because he was afraid Shelah would die too.

Judah’s wife died. After mourning, Judah and Hirah went to Timnah to supervise the shearing of his sheep. Someone told Tamar, “Look, your kinda-sorta-almost-twice-father-in-law is going to Timnah to shear his sheep.”

Tamar knew that Shelah was a big boy, but no marriage proposal had come. So she disguised herself with a veil and waited on the road to Timnah. Judah thought she was a prostitute and asked her to do something strange for a piece of change.

“How much will you pay to sleep with me?” she asked.
“I’ll send you a young goat from my flock.”
“But what will you give me to guarantee that you will send the goat?”
“Like what?”
“Leave your ID and walking stick with me.”
Judah agreed and they had sex. She became pregnant.

Later Judah asked Hirah to take the goat to the prostitute and to pick up his collateral. But he couldn’t find her. He asked some people about the prostitute but they had never seen one.
Hirah returned to Judah and told him.

“Then let her keep my stuff,” Judah said. “I did my part and sent the goat.”
About three months later, Judah was told Tamar had acted like a prostitute and was now pregnant.
“Bring her out and let her be burned!” he demanded.

But as they were taking her out to kill her, she asked “The man who owns this ID and walking stick is the father of the child. Look closely.”

Judah recognized them immediately and said “She is more righteous than I am.” Judah never slept with her again.

Tamar was carrying twins. One of the babies stuck his hand out of her vagina. The midwife tied a scarlet string around his wrist. But then he pulled his hand back in and his brother came out first. He was named Perez. The baby with the scarlet string was named Zerah.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 36 & 37 (Snitches Get Stitches)

Esau had lots of kids.

JOSEPH’S DREAMS

Jacob moved to Canaan again.
His son Joseph was a snitch. At the age of 17, he tended his father’s flocks under his half brothers. But he was an informant for his father, reporting on the bad things his brothers were doing.

Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children because Joseph was born when Jacob was an old man. So Jacob had a beautiful robe made for Joseph. But his brothers hated him.

One night Joseph had a dream that made his brothers hate him even more. “We were in the field tying bundles of grain. Suddenly my bundle stood and your bundles bowed before mine!”
His brothers responded, “So you think you’ll be our king?”
Soon he told his brothers of another dream. “Even the sun, moon and eleven stars bowed before me!” (Must have been some dark nights with only eleven stars in the sky.)
He also told his father about this dream. His dad said, “Pfft. Will we all actually bow before you?” But he secretly wondered what the dreams meant.
Soon after this, Jacob sent Joseph after his brothers, who were pasturing his flocks in Shechem. “See how they’re doing and bring me back a report.”
A man in Shechem told Joseph his brothers had moved on to Dothan, so Joseph followed on.

JOSEPH SOLD INTO SLAVERY

When Joseph’s brothers saw him coming, they made plans to kill him. “Let’s kill the dreamer and throw his body into a cistern. We’ll tell dad a wild animal ate him.”
But Reuben had a different plan. “Let’s not shed any blood. We can just throw him into the cistern where he’ll die slowly.” But he was secretly planning on rescuing him.
When Joseph arrived they ripped his robe off and tossed him into the empty cistern. As they sat to eat, a caravan of Ishmaelite traders on camelback approached.
Judah said to his brothers, “Even if we just let Joseph die, we’ll have to come up with a lie. What will we gain? Let’s sell him to those traders. After all, he is our brother.” So they sold him for 20 pieces of silver.

Apparently Rebuen missed the selling of his brother, because he returned to pull Joseph from the cistern. When he saw Joseph was gone, he tore is clothes in grief.

And they still had to lie to their dad. They dipped Joseph’s robe in sheep’s blood and sent it to Jacob.
He recognized it and said “A wild animal must have eaten Joseph. He’s been torn to pieces!” Then he tore his clothes and dressed in a burlap sack.

(What is with this family and ripping fabric?) He refused to be comforted by his family and said “I will die mourning my son.”
Meanwhile, the traders sold Joseph to Potiphar, an officer (and captain of the palace guard) of Pharaoh, the king of Egypt.