Bible Translation: Genesis Chapter 42

Joseph’s Brothers Go to Egypt

When Jacob heard grain was available in Egypt, he told his sons, “Break up the circle jerk. Go get some grain from Egypt. So we don’t die.”

All of Joseph’s brothers went to Egypt except his younger brother Benjamin. Jacob was afraid for him.
When they arrived, they bowed to Joseph. He immediately recognized them but pretended he didn’t.

He was an asshole to them. They deserved it. “Where are you from?” he demanded.
They replied “From Canaan. We’ve come to buy food.” They didn’t recognize him.
“Liars! You’re spies!”

“No, my lord! Your servants have simply come for food. We are all brothers and honest men.”
“Bullshit!”

“Promise. There are actually 12 of us. Our youngest brother stayed in Canaan with our father and one of our brothers is no longer with us.”
“Pants on fire! How about a test? One of you will fetch your younger brother while the rest of you are imprisoned. If your younger brother doesn’t arrive, you’ll never leave Egypt.”

Then he put them in prison instead. Joseph went soft on the third day. He told his brothers, “I am a God-fearing man. Listen and you will live. If you’re being honest, choose a brother to remain in prison. The rest may take the grain to your families. But you must bring your younger brother back. Prove this and you won’t die.” They agreed.
Speaking amongst themselves, they said “Karma’s a bitch. Clearly we’re being punished for what we did to Joseph.”

“Told you,” Reuben said. “Now we have to answer for it.”
Joseph heard them and cried. He regained his composure and chose Simeon to be tied up and remain in prison.
Joseph ordered his servants to fill the men’s sacks with grain, but he also had them secretly return each brother’s payment at the top of each sack. He also gave them supplies for the journey home.
When they stopped for the night they found the returned money. For some reason, they were upset. “What has God done to us?”

They told Jacob everything that had happened to them. They were all terrified when they saw the bags of money. Jacob said “You’re robbing me of my children! Joseph is gone! Simeon is gone! And now you want to take Benjamin, too!”
Then Reuben said “You can kill my two sons if I don’t bring Benjamin back. I promise to bring him back.”
Jacob replied “My son will not go with you. He’s all I have left.” (That must have made the others feel great). “If anything happened to him, you would send this grieving, white-haired man to his grave.”

Genesis Chapter 41 Translation

Pharaoh’s Dreams

Two years later, Pharaoh dreamed he was on the bank of the Nile River. He saw 7 fat cows come from the river and begin eating the grass. Then 7 emaciated cows came from the river and ate the fat cows. Pharaoh woke.
Then fell back asleep and had a second dream. Seven large heads of grain grew on a single stalk. Then seven shriveled heads of grain ate the healthy ones.
The next day, a disturbed Pharaoh called on all the magicians and wise men of Egypt. None could tell him what the dreams meant.

All of a sudden, the chief cup-bearer spoke up. “That reminds me, two years ago, when you imprisoned me and the chief baker, we both had different dreams. A young Hebrew man, who was the slave of the captain of the guard, interpreted our dreams. Everything he said came true! You gave me my job and killed the chief baker.”
Pharaoh immediately sent for Joseph. He shaved and showered, then stood before Pharaoh. Pharaoh said “I had a dream and I heard you can interpret it.”
Joseph said “I can’t, but God can.”
So Pharaoh told him his dreams.
Joseph responded, “Both dreams mean the same thing. God is telling you there will be seven years of prosperity followed by seven years of famine. The famine will be so bad that the good years will be forgotten. Therefore, Pharaoh should find and intelligent and wise man and put him in charge of Egypt. Like me.

Then he should appoint supervisors to collect 1/5 of all the crops grown during the good years. This way there will be food during the famine.”

Joseph Made Ruler of Egypt

Pharaoh put Joseph in charge of Egypt.

“Only I will rank higher than you,” he said.
Then Pharaoh removed his signet ring and put it on Joseph’s finger. Joseph said “I do.” Pharaoh dressed him in the finest linens and put a gold chain around his neck. Then he had Joseph ride in the chariot reserved for his second-in-command.
Then Pharaoh changed Joseph’s name to Zaphenath-paneah. He also gave him a wife named Asenath. Joseph was 30 at the time.
During the seven years of prosperity, Joseph and Asenath had two sons. The oldest was Manaseeh and the youngest was Ephraim.
When the famine struck, other countries were also affected, but Egypt had plenty of food. People from around the world came to see Joseph to buy food.

Genesis Chapter 40 Translation

Joseph Interprets Two Dreams

Pharaoh’s chief cup-bearer and chief baker pissed off their royal master, so he put them in the prison where Joseph was. The captain of the guard assigned Joseph to look after them.
The cup-bearer and baker each had a different dream on the same night. Joseph noticed they looked upset the next morning. “Why the sad faces?” he asked.
They replied “No one can tell us what our dreams mean.”
“Interpreting dreams is God’s business. Tell them to me.”
The chief cup-bearer went first. “I saw a grapevine in front of me. It had three branches that began to bud and blossom, and soon it produced clusters of ripe grapes. I was holding Pharaoh’s wine cup, so I took a cluster of grapes and squeezed the juice into the cup. Then I put it in Pharaoh’s hand.”
“Within three days Pharaoh will pardon you.”

Please do me a favor when you get out. Mention me to Pharaoh, so he might free me. I was kidnapped and don’t deserve to be here.”
The chief baker was hoping that his dream would also have a positive interpretation. “In my dream there were three baskets of white pastries stacked on my head. The top basket contained pastries for Pharaoh, but the birds ate them.” He should have known this was bad. Nothing good can come from losing Pharaoh’s pastries.
Joseph said “Three days from now Pharaoh will impale your body on a pole. Then birds will peck at your flesh.”

Pharaoh’s birthday came three days later and he prepared a banquet for his officials and staff. His chief cup-bearer and chief baker were also summoned. He restored the chief cup-bearer to his former position. But Pharaoh impaled the chief baker, just as Joseph had said he would. The chief cup-bearer forgot about Joseph and never spoke to Pharaoh about him.

Bible Translation: Genesis Ch. 39

Joseph in Potiphar’s House

Previously on Selling Joseph: Joseph was sold to Potiphar, captain of the guard for Egypt’s Pharaoh.

God made sure Joseph succeeded in everything he did. Potiphar noticed this and made him his personal attendant. God began blessing Potiphar’s household for Joseph’s sake. His crops and livestock flourished. So Potiphar promoted Joseph and gave him complete administrative responsibility over everything he owned. He didn’t worry about anything.
Joseph was a stud, and Potiphar’s wife was thirsty. She demanded he sleep with her.

Joseph refused. “Look, my master trusts me with everything. No one has more authority than I do. He has held nothing back except you, because you’re his wife. How could I be so wicked? I’m not a sinner.”

She kept harassing him and he kept refusing.

He tried avoiding her. One day when he was alone, she grabbed him by his cloak and demanded he sleep with her again. Joseph tore himself away, but left his cloak in her hand as he ran from the house naked.

She called to her servants, “Look! My husband brought this Hebrew slave to make fools of us! He tried raping me. He ran outside when I screamed.”
She kept the cloak with her until Potiphar came home, then she told him her story.

Joseph Gets Locked Up

Potiphar was pissed. He threw Joseph into the prison. But God was behind bars with Joseph and showed him his faithful love.

God made Joseph a favorite with the prison warden. Soon the warden put Joseph in charge of the prisoners and the prison’s affairs. He didn’t have to worry about anything because God made sure Joseph succeeded.

Bible Translation: Genesis Chapter 38

Judah and Tamar

Judah moved to Adullam to stay with a dude named Hirah. He married a Canaanite woman. She gave birth to 3 sons while they lived in Kezib. Judah arranged for his firstborn son, Er, to marry a woman named Tamar. When the marriage official asked if anyone objected, God killed Er because he was wicked.

So Judah urged Er’s brother, Onan, to marry Tamar since the law requires the brother of a deceased groom to marry the bride. “You must produce an heir for your brother.”

But Onan didn’t want a child who wasn’t his own heir. So whenever they had sex, he pulled out.

But God considered it evil for him to deny his dead brother a child, so he killed Onan. Even though he thought Er was wicked, which was why he killed him in the first place.

Judah told Tamar, who he still considered his daughter-in-law, “Go live as a widow with your parents until my third son, Shelah, is old enough to marry you. Third time’s a charm.” Strange considering age really was nothing but a number back then. But Judah didn’t intend for this to happen because he was afraid Shelah would die too.

Judah’s wife died. After mourning, Judah and Hirah went to Timnah to supervise the shearing of his sheep. Someone told Tamar, “Look, your kinda-sorta-almost-twice-father-in-law is going to Timnah to shear his sheep.”

Tamar knew that Shelah was a big boy, but no marriage proposal had come. So she disguised herself with a veil and waited on the road to Timnah. Judah thought she was a prostitute and asked her to do something strange for a piece of change.

“How much will you pay to sleep with me?” she asked.
“I’ll send you a young goat from my flock.”
“But what will you give me to guarantee that you will send the goat?”
“Like what?”
“Leave your ID and walking stick with me.”
Judah agreed and they had sex. She became pregnant.

Later Judah asked Hirah to take the goat to the prostitute and to pick up his collateral. But he couldn’t find her. He asked some people about the prostitute but they had never seen one.
Hirah returned to Judah and told him.

“Then let her keep my stuff,” Judah said. “I did my part and sent the goat.”
About three months later, Judah was told Tamar had acted like a prostitute and was now pregnant.
“Bring her out and let her be burned!” he demanded.

But as they were taking her out to kill her, she asked “The man who owns this ID and walking stick is the father of the child. Look closely.”

Judah recognized them immediately and said “She is more righteous than I am.” Judah never slept with her again.

Tamar was carrying twins. One of the babies stuck his hand out of her vagina. The midwife tied a scarlet string around his wrist. But then he pulled his hand back in and his brother came out first. He was named Perez. The baby with the scarlet string was named Zerah.