Bible Translation: Genesis Chapter 42

Joseph was an asshole and then he wasn’t.

Joseph’s Brothers Go to Egypt

When Jacob heard grain was available in Egypt, he told his sons, “Break up the circle jerk. Go get some grain from Egypt. So we don’t die.”

All of Joseph’s brothers went to Egypt except his younger brother Benjamin. Jacob was afraid for him.
When they arrived, they bowed to Joseph. He immediately recognized them but pretended he didn’t.

He was an asshole to them. They deserved it. “Where are you from?” he demanded.
They replied “From Canaan. We’ve come to buy food.” They didn’t recognize him.
“Liars! You’re spies!”

“No, my lord! Your servants have simply come for food. We are all brothers and honest men.”

“Promise. There are actually 12 of us. Our youngest brother stayed in Canaan with our father and one of our brothers is no longer with us.”
“Pants on fire! How about a test? One of you will fetch your younger brother while the rest of you are imprisoned. If your younger brother doesn’t arrive, you’ll never leave Egypt.”

Then he put them in prison instead. Joseph went soft on the third day. He told his brothers, “I am a God-fearing man. Listen and you will live. If you’re being honest, choose a brother to remain in prison. The rest may take the grain to your families. But you must bring your younger brother back. Prove this and you won’t die.” They agreed.
Speaking amongst themselves, they said “Karma’s a bitch. Clearly we’re being punished for what we did to Joseph.”

“Told you,” Reuben said. “Now we have to answer for it.”
Joseph heard them and cried. He regained his composure and chose Simeon to be tied up and remain in prison.
Joseph ordered his servants to fill the men’s sacks with grain, but he also had them secretly return each brother’s payment at the top of each sack. He also gave them supplies for the journey home.
When they stopped for the night they found the returned money. For some reason, they were upset. “What has God done to us?”

They told Jacob everything that had happened to them. They were all terrified when they saw the bags of money. Jacob said “You’re robbing me of my children! Joseph is gone! Simeon is gone! And now you want to take Benjamin, too!”
Then Reuben said “You can kill my two sons if I don’t bring Benjamin back. I promise to bring him back.”
Jacob replied “My son will not go with you. He’s all I have left.” (That must have made the others feel great). “If anything happened to him, you would send this grieving, white-haired man to his grave.”


Genesis Chapter 41 Translation

Joseph interpreted Pharaoh’s dream and became ruler of Egypt.

Pharaoh’s Dreams

Two years later, Pharaoh dreamed he was on the bank of the Nile River. He saw 7 fat cows come from the river and begin eating the grass. Then 7 emaciated cows came from the river and ate the fat cows. Pharaoh woke.
Then fell back asleep and had a second dream. Seven large heads of grain grew on a single stalk. Then seven shriveled heads of grain ate the healthy ones.
The next day, a disturbed Pharaoh called on all the magicians and wise men of Egypt. None could tell him what the dreams meant.

All of a sudden, the chief cup-bearer spoke up. “That reminds me, two years ago, when you imprisoned me and the chief baker, we both had different dreams. A young Hebrew man, who was the slave of the captain of the guard, interpreted our dreams. Everything he said came true! You gave me my job and killed the chief baker.”
Pharaoh immediately sent for Joseph. He shaved and showered, then stood before Pharaoh. Pharaoh said “I had a dream and I heard you can interpret it.”
Joseph said “I can’t, but God can.”
So Pharaoh told him his dreams.
Joseph responded, “Both dreams mean the same thing. God is telling you there will be seven years of prosperity followed by seven years of famine. The famine will be so bad that the good years will be forgotten. Therefore, Pharaoh should find and intelligent and wise man and put him in charge of Egypt. Like me.

Then he should appoint supervisors to collect 1/5 of all the crops grown during the good years. This way there will be food during the famine.”

Joseph Made Ruler of Egypt

Pharaoh put Joseph in charge of Egypt.

“Only I will rank higher than you,” he said.
Then Pharaoh removed his signet ring and put it on Joseph’s finger. Joseph said “I do.” Pharaoh dressed him in the finest linens and put a gold chain around his neck. Then he had Joseph ride in the chariot reserved for his second-in-command.
Then Pharaoh changed Joseph’s name to Zaphenath-paneah. He also gave him a wife named Asenath. Joseph was 30 at the time.
During the seven years of prosperity, Joseph and Asenath had two sons. The oldest was Manaseeh and the youngest was Ephraim.
When the famine struck, other countries were also affected, but Egypt had plenty of food. People from around the world came to see Joseph to buy food.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 36 & 37 (Snitches Get Stitches)

Joseph was a snitch. At the age of 17, he tended his father’s flocks under his half brothers. But he was an informant for his father, reporting on the bad things his brothers were doing.

Esau had lots of kids.


Jacob moved to Canaan again.
His son Joseph was a snitch. At the age of 17, he tended his father’s flocks under his half brothers. But he was an informant for his father, reporting on the bad things his brothers were doing.

Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children because Joseph was born when Jacob was an old man. So Jacob had a beautiful robe made for Joseph. But his brothers hated him.

One night Joseph had a dream that made his brothers hate him even more. “We were in the field tying bundles of grain. Suddenly my bundle stood and your bundles bowed before mine!”
His brothers responded, “So you think you’ll be our king?”
Soon he told his brothers of another dream. “Even the sun, moon and eleven stars bowed before me!” (Must have been some dark nights with only eleven stars in the sky.)
He also told his father about this dream. His dad said, “Pfft. Will we all actually bow before you?” But he secretly wondered what the dreams meant.
Soon after this, Jacob sent Joseph after his brothers, who were pasturing his flocks in Shechem. “See how they’re doing and bring me back a report.”
A man in Shechem told Joseph his brothers had moved on to Dothan, so Joseph followed on.


When Joseph’s brothers saw him coming, they made plans to kill him. “Let’s kill the dreamer and throw his body into a cistern. We’ll tell dad a wild animal ate him.”
But Reuben had a different plan. “Let’s not shed any blood. We can just throw him into the cistern where he’ll die slowly.” But he was secretly planning on rescuing him.
When Joseph arrived they ripped his robe off and tossed him into the empty cistern. As they sat to eat, a caravan of Ishmaelite traders on camelback approached.
Judah said to his brothers, “Even if we just let Joseph die, we’ll have to come up with a lie. What will we gain? Let’s sell him to those traders. After all, he is our brother.” So they sold him for 20 pieces of silver.

Apparently Rebuen missed the selling of his brother, because he returned to pull Joseph from the cistern. When he saw Joseph was gone, he tore is clothes in grief.

And they still had to lie to their dad. They dipped Joseph’s robe in sheep’s blood and sent it to Jacob.
He recognized it and said “A wild animal must have eaten Joseph. He’s been torn to pieces!” Then he tore his clothes and dressed in a burlap sack.

(What is with this family and ripping fabric?) He refused to be comforted by his family and said “I will die mourning my son.”
Meanwhile, the traders sold Joseph to Potiphar, an officer (and captain of the palace guard) of Pharaoh, the king of Egypt.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 21

God kept his promise and gave Abraham and Sarah a son, named Isaac. Before you ask, yes, he was circumcised.

God kept his promise and gave Abraham and Sarah a son, named Isaac. Before you ask, yes, he was circumcised.
Sarah declared, “God has brought me laughter. All who hear about this will laugh. Who would have said two extremely old farts would have a baby?”

When Isaac was about to be weaned from breastfeeding, Abraham prepared a celebration feast. But Sarah saw Abraham’s other son, Ishmael, and her servant Hagar making fun of Isaac. She demanded Abraham get rid of them. “He will not share the inheritance with my son. I won’t have it!”
Abraham was upset, but God told him, “Don’t be upset. Do what she says because Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted. But I will also make a nation of Hagar’s son, too.”
So Abraham got up early the next morning and strapped food and water on Hagar’s back. Then he sent her and Ishmael away.
When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. She walked away and sat by herself because she didn’t want to watch him die. She started crying.
God heard the boy crying and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “What’s wrong? Do not be afraid! Go comfort the boy, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.”
Then God opened Hagar’s eyes and she saw a well full of water. She gave the boy a drink from her container.
And God was with the boy as he grew up in the wilderness. He became a skilled archer and settled in Paran. His mom arranged for him to marry an Egyptian woman.

About this time, Abimelech came with Phicol, his army commander, to visit Abraham. “God is obviously your best friend,” Abimelech said. “Swear to God that you will never lie to my family. I have been loyal to you.”
Abraham swore to never lie to him. Then he complained about a well that Abimelech’s servants had taken by force from his servants.
Abimelech said he had no idea what he was talking about.
Then Abraham gave him some sheep, goats and cattle and they made a treaty. But Abraham also took seven female lambs and set them by themselves. Abimelech asked, “What are they for?”
Abraham replied, “Please accept these seven lambs to acknowledge I dug this well.” Then he named the place Beersheba, or “well of the oath.”
Abimelech and Phicol returned home. Then Abraham planted a tamarisk tree at Beersheba and worshiped God there.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 15

Then God said, “Chill out. Your servant will not be your heir.” Then he took him outside and said “How many stars do you see?” When Abram got up to 3,789 stars, God said “Okay, okay. My point is, you’ll have a lot of descendants.”

Later, God spoke to Abram in a vision. “Don’t be afraid. I will protect you and your reward will be great.”
But Abram said, “Blah blah blah, O Great One, what good are your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you haven’t given me a child, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant, will inherit my wealth.”
Then God said, “Chill out. Your servant will not be your heir.” Then he took him outside and said “How many stars do you see?” When Abram got up to 3,789 stars, God said “Okay, okay. My point is, you’ll have a lot of descendants.”
Abram believed him.
Then God told him, “I’m the one who gave you all this land.”
But Abram replied “How can I trust you?” Make up your damn mind.
God said, “Bring me a 3-year-old heifer (a virgin cow), a 3-year-old female goat, a 3-year-old ram, a turtledove and a young pigeon.” Abram got them and killed them. Then he cut them in half and laid them side by side. However, he didn’t cut the birds in half. He chased away some vultures.
Abram fell asleep at sundown and a terrifying darkness came upon him. Then God said, “YOUR DESCENDANTS WILL BE SLAVES IN A FOREIGN LAND! But…I will punish the enslaving nation and your descendants will have great wealth. After four generations they will return to this land.”
Abram saw a smoking firepot and a flaming torch pass between the halves of the carcasses. God said “Your descendants’ land will stretch from Egypt to the Euphrates River.”