Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 35

Then God told Jacob to move to Bethel. “Build an altar there to the God who appeared to you when you fled your brother.” (What a poorly veiled narcissistic statement.)

(Couldn’t find the top gif without the bottom)
So Jacob told everyone in his household to get rid of pagan idols, purify themselves and put on clean clothing. “We are moving to Bethel where I will build an altar to the God who has been with me wherever I have gone.”
They gave up all their pagan idols and Jacob buried them under the great tree near Shechem. As they left, God placed a terror on the people in the area, so no one attacked Jacob’s family. (What exactly is a terror?)

Soon after arriving in Bethel and building the altar, Rebekah’s old nurse, Deborah, died. She was buried beneath the “oak of weeping.”
God appeared and blessed Jacob. “Your name is changing from Jacob to Israel.” Not much of a blessing, considering all the steps it takes to legally change your name. Residency, evidence, petition, etc.
Then God performed the generic “great descendants, many nations” blessing.
Jacob set up a stone pillar to mark the place, then he poured wine over it and rubbed it with olive oil.

THE DEATHS OF RACHEL AND ISAAC
Rachel went into labor (who knew she was pregnant?) on the road to Ephrath. After birthing a son, she was about to die but named him with her dying breath. “Ben-oni,” which means “child of my sorrow.” The baby’s father called him Benjamin instead. Jacob buried Rachel on the side of the road and stuck a stone in the ground.
Reuben (no idea who this is) got Bilhah, his father’s concubine, pregnant. (Maybe Reuben is one of Jacob’s sons.) Apparently it was important enough to note that Jacob did know Reuben impregnated Bilhah.
Aha! Reuben was one of the twelve son’s of Jacob.
Jacob returned to his father, Isaac, in Mamre. Isaac died at 180. Jacob and Esau buried him.

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Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 32

Angels of God met Jacob on his way home.

Then Jacob sent messengers ahead to his brother Esau. They delivered this message: “Humble greetings from your servant Jacob. I have been living with Uncle Laban, and now I own a bunch of animals and people. I have sent these messengers to inform my lore of my coming, hoping that you will be friendly to me.”
The messengers returned and told Jacob that Esau was already on his way to meet him with an army of 400 men. This news terrified Jacob. He divided his household into two groups. “If Esau attacks one group, perhaps the other can escape.”
Then Jacob prayed for safety.
He stayed where he was for the night, then he selected gifts for Esau. 200 female goats, 20 male goats, 20 ewes, 20 rams, 30 female camels with their babies, 40 cows, 10 bulls, 20 female donkeys and 10 male donkeys. He sent each herd with a servant to meet Esau.
“I will try to appease him with gifts. When I finally see him, perhaps he will be friendly.

Overnight, Jacob took his two wives, two servant wives (new show idea for TLC) and eleven sons and crossed the Jabbok River, along with his possessions.
But Jacob stayed behind and a man came to wrestle with him until dawn. When the man saw he wouldn’t beat Jacob, he touched Jacob’s hip and dislocated it. Then the man said “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!”
“I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
“Your name will no longer be Jacob. From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won.”
The man wouldn’t tell Jacob his name, but he did bless him.
Jacob named the place Peniel, meaning “face of God.” “I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been spared,” he said. Jacob limped away with his dislocated hip as the sun rose over Peniel. (Even today the people of Israel don’t eat the tendon near the hip socket because of that wrestling match.)

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 22

God tested Abraham’s faith. He said “Take Isaac and go to the land of Moriah. Go and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on the mountain I show you.”

The next morning Abraham saddled his donkey and took two servants and Isaac with him. Then he chopped wood for the burnt offering and set out. On the third day, Abraham saw the place in the distance. He told the servants to stay with the donkey. “The boy and I will travel farther. We will worship and then come right back.”
Isaac carried the burnt offering and Abraham carried the fire and the knife. (How was he carrying fire?) AS they walked, Isaac asked “Father, where is the sheep for the burnt offering.”
“God will provide the sheep,” Abraham lied.
When they arrived at the place, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood on it. Then he tied Isaac and laid him on the wood. And Abraham picked up the knife to kill his son as a sacrifice. At that moment, an angel called from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham! Don’t lay a hand on the boy! Now I know you truly fear God. You have not withheld from me even your son.” (Let’s play a game! Name another leader who ruled through fear. I’ll go first.)

Then Abraham saw a ram caught in a thicket. So he took it and sacrificed it instead of Isaac. Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh, which means “the Lord will provide.” Apparently people still use the saying, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”
Then the angel called again to Abraham. “God promises to bless you since you were going to obey me. Your descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies.”
Then they returned to Beersheba.
Soon after, Abraham heard that his sister-in-law had birthed a lot of kids.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 21

God kept his promise and gave Abraham and Sarah a son, named Isaac. Before you ask, yes, he was circumcised.
Sarah declared, “God has brought me laughter. All who hear about this will laugh. Who would have said two extremely old farts would have a baby?”

When Isaac was about to be weaned from breastfeeding, Abraham prepared a celebration feast. But Sarah saw Abraham’s other son, Ishmael, and her servant Hagar making fun of Isaac. She demanded Abraham get rid of them. “He will not share the inheritance with my son. I won’t have it!”
Abraham was upset, but God told him, “Don’t be upset. Do what she says because Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted. But I will also make a nation of Hagar’s son, too.”
So Abraham got up early the next morning and strapped food and water on Hagar’s back. Then he sent her and Ishmael away.
When the water was gone, she put the boy in the shade of a bush. She walked away and sat by herself because she didn’t want to watch him die. She started crying.
God heard the boy crying and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven, “What’s wrong? Do not be afraid! Go comfort the boy, for I will make a great nation from his descendants.”
Then God opened Hagar’s eyes and she saw a well full of water. She gave the boy a drink from her container.
And God was with the boy as he grew up in the wilderness. He became a skilled archer and settled in Paran. His mom arranged for him to marry an Egyptian woman.

About this time, Abimelech came with Phicol, his army commander, to visit Abraham. “God is obviously your best friend,” Abimelech said. “Swear to God that you will never lie to my family. I have been loyal to you.”
Abraham swore to never lie to him. Then he complained about a well that Abimelech’s servants had taken by force from his servants.
Abimelech said he had no idea what he was talking about.
Then Abraham gave him some sheep, goats and cattle and they made a treaty. But Abraham also took seven female lambs and set them by themselves. Abimelech asked, “What are they for?”
Abraham replied, “Please accept these seven lambs to acknowledge I dug this well.” Then he named the place Beersheba, or “well of the oath.”
Abimelech and Phicol returned home. Then Abraham planted a tamarisk tree at Beersheba and worshiped God there.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapters 10 & 11

LOTS OF BABIES! The important ones: Nimrod was the first heroic warrior on earth (lol). It was actually a good thing to be called a Nimrod back then. Peleg means “division.” During his lifetime there were two language groups on earth. Pardon me if you don’t find that important.
Once upon a time, everybody spoke the same language. Some people migrated east and settled in Babylonia. They all had the same idea, to make bricks and harden them with fire. They decided to build a great city with a tower that reached into the sky. They said, “This will make us famous and keep us from being scattered all over the world.” (Not sure how the city helped achieve the latter.)
God heard about this famous tower from a YouTube video titled “10 Greatest Towers of the Old Testament” and went to see it. He said, “Look! These people are united and speak the same language. Nothing will be impossible for them!” To fuck with them he gave them all different languages and scattered them across the world. The people stopped building the city because they couldn’t communicate. The city was called Babel because of this, so the word “babel” already existed.

LOTS OF BABIES! The important ones: Terah had a son named Abram. Abram’s wife, Sarai, couldn’t get pregnant. Terah took Abram, Sarai and his grandson, Lot, to Haran. Terah died.