I don’t think about why I’m taking my medicine anymore.
In the beginning, I knew each pill was a step in the right direction, perfectly calibrated to make life more bearable and help me work through my depression. Turn my baseline anxiety from an 8 to a 3, which keeps me from reaching a 10 and tracing door frames with my eyes in stressful situations.
Tonight was the first time in a long time I noticed the bottle in my hand as I fished a pill. Maybe because my bottle was in the living room instead of the bedroom. It made me remember why I fill my prescription every month. I don’t want to forget to breathe when I’m anxious, or to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, or reminding myself that no task is as important as being in a good mental space. Because without working on myself, the medication won’t work.
What’s the weather like in your home?
I never thought it could rain inside
Until I was so sad my tears wet the carpet
Tornadoes destroy homes from the outside
So I thought
Until my anger had me spinning through the house
Demolishing everything I touched
Thunder is just a distant noise
Until pain is booming in your chest
There is no time between the thunder and the lightning
Boom flash boom flash
Flash boom flash boom
I’m thirsty
“Drink”
I just did
My cup is empty
“Fill it”
Walking to the fridge
Past the bookshelf
That one book is askew
“Straighten it”
It’s fine
Walk past
Walk back
Touch it
Pull back
It’s fine
Walking to fridge
Am I walking to fast?
Who will I be if I give you up?
Will I still be the person I am today?
What if I go back to the person I was?
Who will I be if I give you up?
I needed you at one point
Do I still?
I would have to give you up to know
Who will I be?
Will I still be the person I am today?
The person I want to be
If not, does that mean I’m dependent?
Dependent on you for happiness?
For energy?
Motivation?
I can’t just stop
I would have to wean myself
Even so, I’m scared
What if I go back to the person I was?
The person I don’t want to be
In the place I don’t want to be
You are just one weapon in my arsenal
Yet the one I choose most often to slay my demons
The one who prevents them from rising from the depths
If I lay you down, would the rest be enough?
I’m not sure I want to find out
And for what?
To prove therapy worked?
That I’m more patient?
More realistic when dealing with my emotions?
Is it worth it?
I don’t know
But it’s 10pm
Time to take my Lexapro
Arsenio Franklin 