Why I’m Medicated

I don’t think about why I’m taking my medicine anymore.

In the beginning, I knew each pill was a step in the right direction, perfectly calibrated to make life more bearable and help me work through my depression. Turn my baseline anxiety from an 8 to a 3, which keeps me from reaching a 10 and tracing door frames with my eyes in stressful situations.

Tonight was the first time in a long time I noticed the bottle in my hand as I fished a pill. Maybe because my bottle was in the living room instead of the bedroom. It made me remember why I fill my prescription every month. I don’t want to forget to breathe when I’m anxious, or to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, or reminding myself that no task is as important as being in a good mental space. Because without working on myself, the medication won’t work.


Leaky Roof

What’s the weather like in your home?

I never thought it could rain inside

Until I was so sad my tears wet the carpet

Tornadoes destroy homes from the outside

So I thought

Until my anger had me spinning through the house

Demolishing everything I touched

Thunder is just a distant noise

Until pain is booming in your chest

There is no time between the thunder and the lightning

Boom flash boom flash

Flash boom flash boom



Who will I be if I give you up?
Will I still be the person I am today?
What if I go back to the person I was?

Who will I be if I give you up?
I needed you at one point
Do I still?
I would have to give you up to know
Who will I be?
Will I still be the person I am today?
The person I want to be
If not, does that mean I’m dependent?
Dependent on you for happiness?
For energy?
I can’t just stop
I would have to wean myself
Even so, I’m scared
What if I go back to the person I was?
The person I don’t want to be
In the place I don’t want to be
You are just one weapon in my arsenal
Yet the one I choose most often to slay my demons
The one who prevents them from rising from the depths
If I lay you down, would the rest be enough?
I’m not sure I want to find out
And for what?
To prove therapy worked?
That I’m more patient?
More realistic when dealing with my emotions?
Is it worth it?
I don’t know
But it’s 10pm
Time to take my Lexapro