Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 35

Then God told Jacob to move to Bethel. “Build an altar there to the God who appeared to you when you fled your brother.” (What a poorly veiled narcissistic statement.)

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So Jacob told everyone in his household to get rid of pagan idols, purify themselves and put on clean clothing. “We are moving to Bethel where I will build an altar to the God who has been with me wherever I have gone.”
They gave up all their pagan idols and Jacob buried them under the great tree near Shechem. As they left, God placed a terror on the people in the area, so no one attacked Jacob’s family. (What exactly is a terror?)

Soon after arriving in Bethel and building the altar, Rebekah’s old nurse, Deborah, died. She was buried beneath the “oak of weeping.”
God appeared and blessed Jacob. “Your name is changing from Jacob to Israel.” Not much of a blessing, considering all the steps it takes to legally change your name. Residency, evidence, petition, etc.
Then God performed the generic “great descendants, many nations” blessing.
Jacob set up a stone pillar to mark the place, then he poured wine over it and rubbed it with olive oil.

THE DEATHS OF RACHEL AND ISAAC
Rachel went into labor (who knew she was pregnant?) on the road to Ephrath. After birthing a son, she was about to die but named him with her dying breath. “Ben-oni,” which means “child of my sorrow.” The baby’s father called him Benjamin instead. Jacob buried Rachel on the side of the road and stuck a stone in the ground.
Reuben (no idea who this is) got Bilhah, his father’s concubine, pregnant. (Maybe Reuben is one of Jacob’s sons.) Apparently it was important enough to note that Jacob did know Reuben impregnated Bilhah.
Aha! Reuben was one of the twelve son’s of Jacob.
Jacob returned to his father, Isaac, in Mamre. Isaac died at 180. Jacob and Esau buried him.

Bible Translation: Genesis Chapter 1

In the beginning God created the heavens and earth. The earth was a black blob of water, like slime. And God hovered over this blob of slime.
Then God said, “Let there be light,” in a really deep voice because he thought he was cool. And there was light. And God decided light was a good thing because now he could see the blob of slime. Then he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day” and the darkness “night.”
And evening came and morning came, marking the first day.
Then God said, “There needs to be something separating the heavens from this slime blob. Let’s call it sky.”
And evening passed and morning came, marking the second day.
Then God said, “I need something to walk on.” So he made land between the waters of the slime blob. He called the waters “seas” and decided they were good. Then God said, “Let the land sprout vegetation,” and continued explaining the life cycle of said vegetation. Again, God decided this was good. Which makes sense since he’s the one creating it all.
The third day passed.
Then God said, “I didn’t think this through. How am I supposed to see through the night? What about lights? But instead of a big light, there are billions of tiny lights so I can still get my rest?” In addition to the stars, he also made a daddy light and a mommy light. Daddy’s name was Sun and mommy’s name was Moon. It was good.
Fourth day.
Then God sang, “Baby Shark, do-do-do-do-dodo!” He thought it was catchy so he decided to put some life in the sea, including sharks. While he was at it he put some birds in the sky. Good. Then God gave them permission to have sex and produce baby animals.
Fifth day.
Then God said, “This is finna be lit! I’m gonna populate the earth with all kinds of animals. Animals that fly, swim and walk. Big animals. Small animals. Microscopic animals. Dinosaurs? Maybe?” Good.
Then God said, “I’m lonely.” So he made humans that looked like him. He was power hungry so he decided these humans would rule over all the animals. One human he gave a penis, which was a man. The other was a woman with a vagina.
Then God gave them permission to have sex and make babies.
Then God said, “I have given you everything you need to survive. Food and water.” The man and woman wondered what they were supposed to do for fun besides have sex but they decided not to ask.
Spoiler alert: God looked at everything and decided it was all GOOD!
Sixth day.