Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 19

“Where are your guests? Bring them out so we can have sex with them!”

Turns out the other two men who were at Abraham’s tent were angels. When they left Abraham’s tent they came to the entrance to Sodom. Lot met them and welcomed them with a bow. “My lords,” he said. “Come wash your feet and be my guests for the night.” (Notice ‘lord isn’t capitalized’.)
“No thanks,” they replied. “We’ll spend the night in the city square.”
But Lot insisted and they finally relented. Lot prepared a feast with fresh bread made sans yeast. But before they went to bed, all the men of Sodom surrounded the house and shouted, “Where are your guests? Bring them out so we can have sex with them!” (Every man in the city. Was there something in the water?)

So Lot came outside, shut the door, and talked to them. He begged them, “Please don’t do such a wicked thing. Instead, take my two virgin daughters. I’ll bring them to you and you can do whatever you wish to them. But please, these men are my guests and are under my protection.”

“Stand back!” they shouted. “This outsider is acting like our judge! If you think anal sex is bad, watch what we do to you.” And they lunged toward Lot to break down the door.
But the two angels pulled Lot inside and bolted the door. Then they blinded all the men of Sodom.
Meanwhile, the angels told Lot, “Get your other relatives out of the city! God is about to destroy it.” But the men outside thought he was joking. So did Lot.
They warned him again the next morning. “Get your wife and two daughters out of here!” (After offering them up as sex slaves, would he really care?)
When he still hesitated, the angels seized his hand and the hands of his wife and two daughters and rushed them outside the city to safety, for God was merciful. One of the angels told them, “Run for your lives and don’t look back or stop anywhere in the valley! Escape to the mountains or you will be swept away!”
“Oh no, God!” Lot begged. “You have been so gracious and kind to me. But I cannot go to the mountains. Disaster would catch up to me there and I would soon die. Let me go to the small nearby village instead. Then my life will be saved.” (The mountains of Sodom were as dangerous as the mountains of Kentucky.)
One of the angels told Lot to go to the village, called Zoar, or “little place.”
Lot reached Zoar as the sun was rising. Then God rained down fire and burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah. He utterly destroyed them, along with the other cities and villages of the plain, including all vegetation and people. Except Zoar. But Lot’s wife looked back to Sodom and was turned into a pillar salt. (Lot put her in a bag and used her salty ashes to preserve meat for the coming year.)

Abraham stood in front of his tent and looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah and watched columns of smoke rise from the cities.

But God had kept Lot safe for Abraham.

Lot left Zoar because he was afraid of the townfolk and went to live in the mountains with his daughters. One day the older daughter said to her sister, “There are no men left in the area, so we can’t get married like everyone else. And our father will soon be too old to have children. Let’s get him drunk and then have sex with him to preserve our family.”
The older daughter slept with him that night but he didn’t know because he was blacked out.
The younger daughter slept with him the next night after getting him drunk.

Both girls became pregnant by their father. The older daughter named her son Moab, the ancestor of the Moabites. The younger daughter named her sone Ben-ammi, the ancestor of the Ammonites.


Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 18

Then God said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return and she will have a son.” (God didn’t get bent out of shape when Abraham laughed at the same idea.)

One day Abraham was sitting at the entrance of his tent during the hottest part of the day. He noticed three men standing nearby. He ran to them and bowed to welcome them.
“My God,” he said, using the Lord’s name in vain. “Stop here if you want. Rest in the shade of this tree while water is brought to wash your feet. And since you’ve honored your servant with this visit, let me make you some food to fuel you for your journey.” (I have no idea what’s going on here.)
The agreed.
So Abraham ran to the tent and told Sarah, “Hurry! Get three large measures of your best flower, the good stuff, and bake some bread.” Then he had his servant quickly prepare a tender calf. When the calf was ready, Abraham took the meat, some yogurt and milk to the men. Abraham watched them eat from the shade of the trees.
The visitors asked where Sarah was. (Creepy.)
“Inside the tent,” he replied.
Then one of them said, “I’ll return this time next year and your wife will have a son.
Sarah was listening from the tent. She laughed and said to herself, How can an old hag like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my husband is just as old?
Then God said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return and she will have a son.” (God didn’t get bent out of shape when Abraham laughed at the same idea.)
Sarah was afraid so she denied it.
But God said, “No, you did laugh.”

God told Abraham, “I have heard a great outcry from Sodom and Gomorrah, because their sin is so flagrant. I’m going to see if their actions are as wicked as I’ve heard.”
The three men headed toward Sodom, but God stayed behind. Abraham asked, “Will you sweep away both the righteous and the wicked? Suppose you find fifty righteous people — will you still sweep it away and not spare it for their sake? Surely you wouldn’t. Should not the judge of all the earth do what is right?”
And God replied, “If I find 50 righteous people in Sodom, I will spare the entire city for their sake.”
Then Abraham spoke again. “Let me say something else, even though I’m just ash an dust. Suppose their are only 45 righteous people? Will you still destroy Sodom for lack of five?”
And God said, “I will not destroy it if I find 45 righteous people there.”
This went on until God agreed on the number 10.
God left and Abraham went back to his tent.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 14

Abram replied, “I swear to God I will not take a single thread from you.

A bunch of kings started a war.
Sodom and Gomorrah were plundered. Lot was captured in the raid and everything he owned was taken.
But one of Lot’s men escaped and told Abram.
Abram mobilized an army of 318 men.

Abram chased King Kedorlaomer north of Damascus and rescued Lot, the other captives and all the stolen goods.

Sodom’s king greeted Abram’s return in the valley of Shaveh (AKA the King’s Valley.)
Melchizedek, Salem’s king and priest of God Most HIgh, brought Abram bread and wine. Then he blessed Abram. Abram gave Melchizedek a tenth of all the goods he had recovered (Lot’s goods).
The king of Sodom said to Abram, “Give back my people who were captured. But you can keep the goods for yourself.”
Abram replied, “I swear to God I will not take a single thread from you. Otherwise you’ll claim to have made me rich. All I ask is you give a fair share of the goods to my allies, Aner, Eshcol and Mamre.” (I thought swearing to God was taking the Lord’s name in vain.)