Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 16

Sarai, Abram’s wife, couldn’t have children. But she told him to have sex with her Egyptian servant, Hagar (Sarai was a big fan of The Handmaid’s Tale). Abram agreed with her proposal and Sarai gave Hagar to him as a wife.

Abram and Hagar had sex and she became pregnant. But Hagar began treating Sarai with contempt because she was Abram’s baby mama. Then Sarai said to Abram “This is all your fault! I let you sleep with my servant and now she treats me with contempt. God will show you who’s wrong – you or me.” The first episode of Jerry Springer was filmed. They already knew who the father was, so Maury was nixed.

Abram waved her off, beer in one hand and said “Babe, I’m watching the game. She’s your servant, so you handle it.” So Sarai treated Hagar so badly that she ran away.
The angel of God found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. The angel said “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from and where are you going, Cotton Eye Joe?”
“I’m running away from my mistress.”
The angel said “Return to her and submit to her authority. Do this and I will give you more descendants than you can count.” (Even though this was the reason for all this mess.)
The angel also said “You will give birth to a son. Name him Ishmael, which means ‘God hears’, because God has heard your distress. Ishmael will be a wild man, as untamed as a wild donkey! He will try to fight everyone and everyone will be against him, even his relatives.” Sarai thought, Why would I want more of these?
Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to God. She said “You are the God who sees me. Have I truly seen the One who sees me?” The spring she was found beside was named Beer-lahai-roi (well of the Living One who sees me).
So Hagar gave birth to Ishmael.

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Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 4

Now Adam had sex with Eve and she got pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said “With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!” The first episode of Maury followed. Adam was the father.

Later Eve gave birth to Cain’s brother, Abel.
Abel became a shepherd and Cain became a farmer. When it was time for harvest, Cain gave God some crops as a gift. Abel presented the best of his firstborn lambs. God accepted Abel’s gift, but not Cain’s. This pissed Cain off.

“Why are you so angry?” God asked Cain. “Why so sad? You’ll be accepted if what you do is right. (Completely unfair.) But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be it’s master.”
One day Cain suggested he and Abel go into the fields together. (As brothers sometimes do.) While they were in the field, Cain killed his brother. (Again, as brothers sometimes do.)

God asked Cain where his brother was. (By my count, there were only four people for God to keep track of. Does he really see everything I do?)
Cain said he didn’t know. “Am I my brother’s guardian?”
But God said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground! Now you are cursed and banished from the ground, which has swallowed your brother’s blood. You will no longer have good crops, no matter how hard you work. From now on you will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”
Cain replied, “That seems a tad excessive. You have banished me from the land and from your presence; you have made me a homeless wanderer. Someone will kill me!”
God replied, “No, for I will give a sevenfold punishment to anyone who kills you.” Cain shrugged and mumbled a thank you. Then God put the first tattoo on Cain to warn anyone about killing him. So Cain settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.

Cain had sex with his wife and she became pregnant with Enoch. Then Cain founded a city in his son’s name, called Enoch. LOTS OF KIDS FOLLOWED. The important ones: Jabal was the first person to farm and live in tents. Jubal was the first person to play the harp and flute. Tubal-Cain became an expert iron and bronze worker.
Here’s where it gets good. One day Lamech told his wives (yes, plural), “I killed a guy who attacked me. If someone kills Cain is punished seven times, then whomever kills me will be punished 77 times!”

Adam had sex with his wife again and she gave birth to a son named Seth. She said, “God has granted me a son to replace Abel.” Seth had a son named Enosh. This is when people began worshiping God by name.