Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 30

“You must sleep with me tonight. I have paid for you with some mandrakes.”

Rachel became jealous of her sister when she couldn’t have children. She pleased with Jacob, “Give me children or give me death!”
Then Jacob became furious and said “Am I God? He’s the one you should be pleading with!”
Then Rachel told him to have sex with her maid, Bilhah. “Through here I can have a family, too.” Bilhah became pregnant and gave them a son. Rachel named him Dan and said “God has vindicated me! He has heard my request and gave me a son.” Then Bilhaha gave birth to another son. Rachel named him Naphtali and said “I have struggled hard with my sister, and I’m winning!”

Meanwhile, Leah realized she wasn’t getting pregnant anymore, so she let Jacob have sex with her servant, Zilpah. (I always heard sisters fight over the silliest things.) Soon Zilpah gave birth to a son. Leah named him Gad. Zilpah gave birth to another son and Leah named him Asher. She said “What joy is mine! Now the other women will celebrate with me.”
One day during the wheat harvest, Reuben found some mandrakes and brought them to his mother, Leah. Rachel begged Leah, “Please give me some mandrakes.”
But Leah said angrily, “Wasn’t it enough that you stole my husband? Now will you steal my son’s mandrakes, too?”
Rachel answered, “Um, no. I was just asking. But I’ll let Jacob sleep with you tonight if you give me some mandrakes.”

So that evening, Leah met Jacob as he was coming home from the fields. “You must sleep with me tonight. I have paid for you with some mandrakes.” They slept together and God answered her prayers. She gave birth to a fifth son, named Issachar. She said “God has rewarded me for giving my servant to my husband as a wife.” (Um…I don’t think so.) Then she gave birth to a sixth son named Zebulum. She said “God has given me a good reward. Now my husband will treat me with respect, for I have given him six sons.” Later she gave birth to a daughter named Dinah.

Then God remembered Rachel’s plight (he’d backed himself into a corner with these two) and she gave birth to a son named Joseph. “God has removed my disgrace,” she said. “May the Lord add yet another son to my family.”

Jacob said to Laban, “Please release me so I can go home to my country. Let me take my wives and children, for I have earned them by serving you. You know how hard I’ve worked for you.”
Laban replied, “I have become wealthy because the Lord has blessed me. Tell me how much I owe you. Whatever it is, I’ll pay it.”
“Your flocks and herds have grown under my care. You had little before I came. The Lord has blessed you through everything I’ve done. What about me? When can I start providing for my family?”
“Did you listen to anything I just said. How much do you want?”
“Don’t give me anything.”
“Jesus, why are you making this so difficult?”
“Let me do one thing and I’ll continue to tend and watch over your flocks. Let me remove all the sheep an goats that are speckled or spotted, along with the black sheep. Give these to me as my wages. When you inspect my animals, if you find any that are not speckled, spotted or black, you will know I have stolen from you.”
“Whatever.” But that same day, Laban removed the speckled and spotted goats, along with the black sheep, and gave them to his son who took them far away. Meanwhile, Jacob stayed and cared for the rest of Laban’s flock.
Then Jacob made wizard wands out of tree branches, peeling off strips of bark to make white strips on them. He place these in the watering troughs, for that is where they mated. (Unhygienic.) When they mated in front of the wizard wand, they gave birth to young that were speckled, spotted, streaked and black. Jacob separated those lambs from Laban’s flock. And at mating time he turned the flock to face Laban’s animals that were streaked or black. This is how he built his own flock instead of increasing Laban’s.
Jacob only placed the wands in the watering trough when the strong females were ready to mate, that way Laban would be left with the weaker ones. As a result, he became very wealthy.


Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 26

“Why are you here?” Isaac asked. “You obviously hate me.”

A severe famine struck the land, so Isaac moved to Gerar, where Abimelech, king of the Philistines, lived.
God appeared and told him, “Don’t go to Egypt, stay in Gerar. I will bless you and give this land to your descendants, just as I promised your father, Abraham.
As was the family custom, Isaac told the men of Gerar that Rebekah was his sister. But Abimilech looked out his window and saw Isaac caressing her.
He immediately called for Isaac and said “She is obviously your wife! Why did you tell me she is your sister?”
“Because I was afraid someone would kill me for her!”

“How could you do this to us? One of my people might have slept with your wife, and you would have made us guilty of great sin.”

Then Abimelech made a proclamation: “Anyone who touches this man or his wife will be put to death!”

God blessed Isaac with more grain than he planted. He became rich and acquired so many sheep, goats, cattle and servants that the Philistines became jealous. So they filled up his wells with dirt. The wells Abraham’s servants had dug.
Finally, Abimelech ordered Isaac to leave because he had become too powerful.
So Isaac moved to the Gerar Valley and reopened the wells Abraham had dug there.
Isaac’s servants dug and discovered a fresh water well. But the shepherds from Gerar claimed the spring. They argued with Isaac’s herdsmen, so Isaac named it Esek, meaning “argument.”

They dug another well and again there was a dispute. Isaac named it Sitnah, meaning “hostility.” There was no dispute over the next well, so Isaac name it Rehoboth, meaning “open space.”
Isaac moved to Beersheba and dug another well. He also built an altar for God.

One day Abimelech came with his advisor, Ahuzzath, and his army commander, Phicol. “Why are you here?” Isaac asked. “You obviously hate me.”
Abimelech said “If you can’t beat them, join them. God obviously blesses you. Let’s make a covenant. Swear you won’t harm us, just as we have never harmed you. We sent you away in peace, and look how the Lord has blessed you!”
So Isaac prepared a feast and they promised to leave each other alone.
Another well was dug, water was found, the end.
P.S., Esau married two Hittite women and they made life miserable for Isaac and Rebekah.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 24

She was beautiful, old enough to be married, and still a virgin. Check, check, check.

One day Abraham said to his oldest servant, the one in charge of his household, “Take an oath by putting your hand under my thigh. Swear to God that you will not allow my son to marry a Canaanite woman. Instead, go to my homeland, my relatives, and find Isaac a wife there.”

The servant asked, “But what if I can’t find a young woman willing to travel back here. Should I take Isaac there?”
“No! Never take my son there. This here land was promised to my descendants by God. He will send an angel ahead of you to find a wife for my son. If she won’t come back, you’re free from this oath. But never take my son there.”
The servant loaded 10 camels with expensive gifts and traveled to Aram-naharaim. Abraham’s brother Nahor lived here. The camels knelt beside a well just outside town where women were collecting water.
The servant prayed, “God, please give me success and show unfailing love to my master Abraham. I will ask one of the women to give me a drink from her jug. If she says ‘Yes, and I’ll water your camels, too,’ let her become Isaac’s wife.”
Before he finished praying, Rebekah came to fill her jug. Rebekah was Abraham’s niece. She was beautiful, old enough to be married, and still a virgin. Check, check, check.

The servant asked her for a drink from her jug.
“Yes, my lord,” she answered. When he finished, she said “I’ll get water for your camels, too, until they have had enough to drink.” She emptied her jug into the trough and went back to get more water.
When the camels were finished drinking, he took out a gold nose ring and two large gold bracelets. He asked who she was and if her father would have room for them to stay the night.
She said “Yes, we have room for guests and plenty of straw and feed for the camel.”
He thanked God for bringing him directly to Abraham’s relatives, because that’s the number one thing you look for in a romantic relationship.
Rebekah rushed home and told her family about the man outside. Her brother, Laban, came outside and said to the servant, “Come stay with us, you who are blessed by God! We have a room ready for you and a place prepared for the camels.”
The servant went inside but declined to eat until telling them why he’d come. “I am Abraham’s servant,” he said. “God has blessed him and made him wealthy.” Then he told them all about the oath he’d taken for Abraham. “Will you or won’t you show unfailing love and faithfulness to my master? Yes or no.”

Laban said “God has obviously brought you here, so there is nothing we can say.” (What did Rebekah want?) “Take Rebekah and go. Let her be the wife of your master’s son, as God has directed.”
The servant bowed and worshiped God, then he gave Rebekah jewelry and clothing. He also gave expensive presents to her brother and mother. Then they ate and went to bed. (I feel like a certain someone’s opinion is missing?)
Rebekah’s brother and mother wanted her to stay at least ten days before leaving.
(I’m tired of typing ‘the servant.’ His name is Bob Jeffery. BJ for short.) BJ said “Don’t make me wait. I’ve accomplished my mission, now send me back.”
In a shocking twist, they decided to ask Rebekah what she thought.
“Yes, I’ll go with this man,” she said.
Rebekah’s childhood nurse left with them. Her family gave her this blessing as they parted: “May you a bunch of descendants and may the conquer their enemies!”
Isaac was in the fields meditating when they arrived. Rebekah covered her face with a veil.
Isaac and Rebekah were married in his mother’s tent and she comforted him after the death of his mother.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 23

Sarah died when she was 127, in Hebron. Abraham said to the Hittite elders, “I am a stranger among you. Please sell me a piece of land so I can give my wife/sister a proper burial.”

Sarah died when she was 127, in Hebron. Abraham said to the Hittite elders, “I am a stranger among you. Please sell me a piece of land so I can give my wife/sister a proper burial.”
The elders replied, “My lord, you are an honored prince among us. Bury her in the finest of our tombs.”
Abraham bowed and said, “Since you are willing to help, be so kind and ask Ephron to let me buy his cave at Machpelah, at the end of his field. I will pay the full price in the presence of witnesses (in lieu of a notary), so I will have a permanent burial place for my family.”
Ephron was there, so he spoke for himself, “No, my lord, please listen. I will give you my field and my cave. Go bury your dead.”
Abraham bowed again and said, “No, you listen to me. I will buy it from you.”

Ephron finally said, “The land is worth 400 pieces of silver, but what is that between friends? Go ahead and bury your dead.”
Abraham paid the price anyway.
Then Abraham buried Sarah.

Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 18

Then God said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return and she will have a son.” (God didn’t get bent out of shape when Abraham laughed at the same idea.)

One day Abraham was sitting at the entrance of his tent during the hottest part of the day. He noticed three men standing nearby. He ran to them and bowed to welcome them.
“My God,” he said, using the Lord’s name in vain. “Stop here if you want. Rest in the shade of this tree while water is brought to wash your feet. And since you’ve honored your servant with this visit, let me make you some food to fuel you for your journey.” (I have no idea what’s going on here.)
The agreed.
So Abraham ran to the tent and told Sarah, “Hurry! Get three large measures of your best flower, the good stuff, and bake some bread.” Then he had his servant quickly prepare a tender calf. When the calf was ready, Abraham took the meat, some yogurt and milk to the men. Abraham watched them eat from the shade of the trees.
The visitors asked where Sarah was. (Creepy.)
“Inside the tent,” he replied.
Then one of them said, “I’ll return this time next year and your wife will have a son.
Sarah was listening from the tent. She laughed and said to herself, How can an old hag like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my husband is just as old?
Then God said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return and she will have a son.” (God didn’t get bent out of shape when Abraham laughed at the same idea.)
Sarah was afraid so she denied it.
But God said, “No, you did laugh.”

God told Abraham, “I have heard a great outcry from Sodom and Gomorrah, because their sin is so flagrant. I’m going to see if their actions are as wicked as I’ve heard.”
The three men headed toward Sodom, but God stayed behind. Abraham asked, “Will you sweep away both the righteous and the wicked? Suppose you find fifty righteous people — will you still sweep it away and not spare it for their sake? Surely you wouldn’t. Should not the judge of all the earth do what is right?”
And God replied, “If I find 50 righteous people in Sodom, I will spare the entire city for their sake.”
Then Abraham spoke again. “Let me say something else, even though I’m just ash an dust. Suppose their are only 45 righteous people? Will you still destroy Sodom for lack of five?”
And God said, “I will not destroy it if I find 45 righteous people there.”
This went on until God agreed on the number 10.
God left and Abraham went back to his tent.