Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 27

So Jacob got the goats and Rebekah made goat mac n cheese.

One day when Isaac was old and turning blind, he told Esau, “I don’t know when I’m going to die. Go hunt some wild game for me. Prepare my favorite dish, turkey mac n cheese, and bring it for me to eat. Then I will pronounce your blessing as my firstborn son.”
But Rebekah overheard him, so when Esau left to hunt, she told Jacob, “Bring me two fine young goats. I’ll use them to prepare his favorite dish.”
Jacob said “But his favorite dish is turkey mac n cheese.”
“Shut up and do as I say. All you have to do is get the goats, then take the food to your father so he can bless you.”
“But Esau is hairy and my skin is smooth. What if daddy touches me? He’ll see I’m trying to trick him, and he’ll curse me instead.”
“Then let the curse fall on me! Just do what I say! Now get the goats! Go on, git!”
So Jacob got the goats and Rebekah made goat mac n cheese. Then she gave Esau’s favorite clothes to Jacob. She also covered his arms and neck with the goat skin.
Jacob took the food to his father. “My father?”
“Who are you, Esau or Jacob?” (He’s going blind, and apparently his taste buds are bad enough that he can’t tell the difference between goat and turkey, and he can’t tell the voices of his sons apart.)

Jacob said “It’s Esau, you know, your firstborn son. Here is your turkey mac n cheese. Now sit up and eat it so you can give me your blessing.”

“How did you find it so quickly?”
“God put it in my path.”
“Come closer so I can touch you and make sure that you’re really Esau.” Jacob went close and his father touched him. “The voice is Jacob’s, but the hands are Esau’s.” (Nevermind, he can tell.) “But are you really Esau?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Bring me my food. Let me eat, then I will bless you.” After eating and drinking, he said “Please come closer and kiss me.”
So Jacob kissed him and Isaac smelled his clothes. “Ah! The smell of the outdoors! May God always give you an abundance of grain and bountiful new wine. May many nations become your servants and may they bow down to you. May your brothers bow down to you. All who curse you will be cursed, and all who bless you will be blessed.” (Isn’t accepting a blessing from someone other than God the same as worshiping another God?)
As soon as Isaac finished his blessing, Esau returned from hunting. He cooked and brought the food to his father. “Sit up and eat so you can give me your blessing.”

Isaac said “Who are you?”
“I’m your firstborn son, Esau.”
Isaac began having a seizure and said “Then who just served me turkey mac n cheese? I blessed him just before you came. That blessing must stand!”
Esau let out a loud and bitter cry. “What about me? Bless me, too!”
“Your brother tricked me and has taken away your blessing.”
“No wonder his name is Jacob, for he has cheated me twice. He took my rights as firstborn and now he’s stolen my blessing. Oh, haven’t you saved at least one blessing for me?”
“I have given him everything. What is left for you?”
Esau wept.
Finally, Isaac said “You will live away from the richness of the earth and away from the dew of the heaven above. You will live by your sword and you will serve your brother. But when you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke from your neck.”

From then on, Esau hated Jacob and began plotting to kill him after Isaac died.
But Rebekah warned Jacob. “Flee to Haran, where my brother Laban lives. When Esau cools off, I’ll send for you to come back. Why should I lose both of you in one day?”
Then Rebekah said to Isaac, “I’m sick and tired of these Hittite women! I would rather die than see Jacob marry one of them.”