Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapters 7 & 8

When everything was ready, God told Noah, “Get on the boat, for you are the only righteous person on earth. Take seven pairs of each animal I’ve approved for eating and sacrifice, and take one pair of the others. Also take seven pairs of every bird. There must be a male and a female in each pair to ensure life will survive after the flood. The flood will start in seven days and it will rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Noah followed instructions. God closed the door after them.
Noah was 600 when the flood started. On the 17th day of the 2nd month, water volcanoes erupted from the earth.
The boat rose as water covered the earth. Finally, the water covered even the highest mountain peak. Approximately 22 feet higher than the highest peak. All living creatures outside the ark died. The floodwaters covered the earth for 150 days.
God almost forgot about Noah and everyone on the ark. He sent a wind to blow across the earth, and the floodwaters began to recede. (No word on where the water went. If it all went into the soil, wouldn’t the earth become a sponge?) Exactly five months after the flood began, the ark stopped on the mountains of Ararat. More peaks became visible 2 1/2 months later.
Another forty days passed and Noah opened a window and released a raven named Edgar Allen Poe. It flew back and forth until the floodwaters had dried up. Noah also released a dove to find dry ground, but it couldn’t find a place to land so it returned to Noah’s hand. Noah released the dove after 7 more days. This time it returned in the evening with a fresh olive leaf in its beak. Noah knew the floodwaters were almost gone. Seven more days passed before he released the dove again. It didn’t come back.
Noah was 601 years old now and the earth was finally dry.
Then God said to Noah, “Leave the boat. Release the animals so they can have lots of babies.”
Then Noah built an altar to God and he sacrificed as burnt offerings the bureaucratically approved animals and birds. God was pleased with the smell of burnt flesh and said to himself, “Self, I will never again curse the human race, even though everything they think or imagine is evil from childhood.”
Apparently God just had a page or word count requirement to meet, because that was pointless.

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Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 5 & 6

ADAM HAD A LOT OF DESCENDANTS AND THEY ALL LIVED A VERY VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME. For example, Adam died when he was 930 years old!
Important descendants of Adam: Enoch, whom God kidnapped. When Noah was born, his father, Lamech, said, “May he bring us relief from our work and the painful labor of farming this ground that the Lord has cursed.” That’s a lot to put on a newborn. By the time Noah was 500 years old, he was the father of Shem, Ham and Japheth.

Then the sons of God saw the beautiful women and took any they wanted as wives.

Then God said, “I can’t put up with humans much longer because they are mortal. From now on they will live no more than 120 years.”
There were giants in those days, called Nephilites. Nephilites were the grandchildren of God who became heroes and famous warriors.
God saw how wicked humans were and he saw that everything they thought or imagined was totally evil. So God regretted making humans. He was heartbroken. And God said, “I will destroy all humans. In fact, screw it all. I’ll destroy all living things. I’m sorry I ever made them.” But Noah was the teacher’s pet.

Noah was a righteous man, the only blameless person on earth at the time, and he was best friends with God.
God told Noah his plan to destroy everything because the world was filled with corruption.
God said, “Build a large boat from cypress wood and waterproof it with tar, inside and out. Then construct decks and stalls throughout its interior.” He gave him specific dimensions for the cruise ship.
“Look! I’m about to flood the earth to kill everything that breathes.” He reiterated, “Everything will die. 100 percent. But I will confirm my covenant with you. So take your wife, sons and daughters-in-law on the boat. Bring a pair of every kind of animal — a male and a female — on the boat to save. And be sure to bring enough food for your family and the animals.
Noah was great at following directions.