Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 25

Abraham married another woman named Keturah. She gave birth to six sons.
Abraham gave everything he owned to Isaac, but gave gifts to his other sons and sent them to live in the east, away from Isaac. (I guess he didn’t want a Cain/Abel situation.)
Abraham died at 175 years old. Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah he’d purchased, the same place he’d buried Sarah. Then God blessed Isaac.

Ishmael had a bunch of descendants. They lived in open hostility toward their relatives.

Isaac pleaded with God because Rebekah couldn’t have children. God answered his prayer and Rebekah became pregnant with twins, but the two children fought in the womb. So she asked God, “Why is this happening to me?”
God said “Your kids will become two nations and they will be rivals from the beginning. Your older son will serve your younger son.
When she gave birth, Esau was born very red and covered with fur. Jacob was born grabbing Esau’s heel.

Esau became a skillful hunter, but Jacob preferred to stay inside. Isaac loved Esau because of the food he hunted, but Rebekah loved Jacob.
One day Jacob was cooking stew when Esau came home. He told Jacob, “I’m starving, give me some of that red stew!”
Jacob agreed, but added, “You have to trade me your rights as the firstborn son.”
Esau said “Whatever, I’m starving. What good is my birthright now?”
“Then swear to me that your birthright is mine.” So Esau swore an oath.
Then Jacob gave him some bread and lentil stew. Esau ate and showed contempt for his rights as the firstborn.

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Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 4

Now Adam had sex with Eve and she got pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said “With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!” The first episode of Maury followed. Adam was the father.

Later Eve gave birth to Cain’s brother, Abel.
Abel became a shepherd and Cain became a farmer. When it was time for harvest, Cain gave God some crops as a gift. Abel presented the best of his firstborn lambs. God accepted Abel’s gift, but not Cain’s. This pissed Cain off.

“Why are you so angry?” God asked Cain. “Why so sad? You’ll be accepted if what you do is right. (Completely unfair.) But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be it’s master.”
One day Cain suggested he and Abel go into the fields together. (As brothers sometimes do.) While they were in the field, Cain killed his brother. (Again, as brothers sometimes do.)

God asked Cain where his brother was. (By my count, there were only four people for God to keep track of. Does he really see everything I do?)
Cain said he didn’t know. “Am I my brother’s guardian?”
But God said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground! Now you are cursed and banished from the ground, which has swallowed your brother’s blood. You will no longer have good crops, no matter how hard you work. From now on you will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”
Cain replied, “That seems a tad excessive. You have banished me from the land and from your presence; you have made me a homeless wanderer. Someone will kill me!”
God replied, “No, for I will give a sevenfold punishment to anyone who kills you.” Cain shrugged and mumbled a thank you. Then God put the first tattoo on Cain to warn anyone about killing him. So Cain settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.

Cain had sex with his wife and she became pregnant with Enoch. Then Cain founded a city in his son’s name, called Enoch. LOTS OF KIDS FOLLOWED. The important ones: Jabal was the first person to farm and live in tents. Jubal was the first person to play the harp and flute. Tubal-Cain became an expert iron and bronze worker.
Here’s where it gets good. One day Lamech told his wives (yes, plural), “I killed a guy who attacked me. If someone kills Cain is punished seven times, then whomever kills me will be punished 77 times!”

Adam had sex with his wife again and she gave birth to a son named Seth. She said, “God has granted me a son to replace Abel.” Seth had a son named Enosh. This is when people began worshiping God by name.