What I’ve Learned From Being a Father

1. Carpet and babies don’t mix. Vomit. Spit-up. Pee. Poop. Food. We used to be so particular about keeping our carpets clean. Now we’ll clean them before we sell.
2. The birth of my daughter is something I’ll never forget. You’re probably thinking “obviously,” but I literally remember everything. From the time my wife’s water broke on Thanksgiving morning to the day we brought her home. Every second is seared into my brain.
3. Babies smell soooooo good. I would buy a baby scented candle. Gavi’s mouth smelled like a bag of sour cream and cheddar chips for the longest time.
4. Everything you own will end up in your baby’s mouth. Whether it fits or not.
5. Patience. Probably the #1 lesson learned. Your time is no longer just your time. She may feed for an hour. She may chew her bib between bites of food. Every time you turn on that show you really want to watch, she’ll scream. On the bright side, when your baby starts napping alone you’ll feel like a superhero with how much you can accomplish in 30 minutes.
6. How hard being a mother is. Very. There are times when only a mother can soothe a baby. Whenever I think Gavi is being needy, I just think how demanding she is of Laura. If I’m exhausted, how is she feeling?
7. There are levels to poops. Meconium. Breast milk poop is sweet, “some” would say it smells good. Once food is introduced, that’s when shit happens. And the prizes don’t stand a chance against a box of cereal. Paper bits. A panda ear made from modeling clay. Part of a leaf.
8. Household items are more fun to play with than the toys you researched for hours and spent your money on. Honestly, what sounds better to you? “Designed with your baby’s development and motor skills in mind” or “No! Don’t touch that.”
9. Your baby is only hurt if you act like it.
10. A different type of love. I love her more every day. I could watch her do anything for hours. It really hits me when I’m holding her and feel her heartbeat.
11. Time flies. I already knew this, but still. And it’s happening right before my eyes.
12. Spend time with your significant other before the baby arrives. Stock up like a bear preparing for hibernation.
13. Laundry isn’t a once-a-week chore. If she gets dirty, you’re dirty.
14. I’d rather get punched in the face than see her cry.

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Shopkins and Virginity

I’ve referenced it in a few poems, but haven’t said it explicitly. My wife, Laura, is pregnant. She’s due Dec. 6. Instead of playing Beethoven or Mozart for baby Gavi, I’m playing this:

I heard it at daycare last week and was hooked from the opening snaps. Laura does a good impression of the cup of noodles.

I’m also reading to Gavi so she recognizes my voice. I’ve started with something light, reading to her about a different state’s history and geology while Laura is in the bath.

On another note, I’m not entirely sure we should trust Gavi when she starts walking. I mean,  how well can we really know her? Should we lock our bedroom doors?

Recent note from daycare:

Marshall Mifflin was trying to slyly ask other kids about virginity on the bus yesterday. Thankfully, nobody was listening to him, and I didn’t call attention to it because he stopped and that wasn’t something I wanted to discuss on the bus.