Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 2

God rested on the seventh day to watch football. So he didn’t feel guilty about not working, he declared the seventh day to be holy.

Back at it again with the creation. Or maybe not. God rested on the seventh day to watch football. So he didn’t feel guilty about not working, he declared the seventh day to be holy.
That is how the earth and heavens were created.

Apparently, when God made the earth and heavens, plants nor grains were growing. Which is odd because I’m pretty sure he put some of those down. Anyway, there hadn’t been any rain (so the grass didn’t need to be mowed) and there were no people to farm. Instead, he created automatic sprinklers to water the plant life at programmed intervals. Then God made a man from dust, which he apparently gathered before the sprinklers cut on. (By the way, didn’t he already create man?) He gave the man CPR to bring him to life.
Then God planted a Garden in Eden in the east, which is where he put the man. Then God made trees grow. In the middle he put the tree of life and the tree of knowledge and good and evil.
A river flowed through Eden that watered the garden and divided into four branches. The first branch, called the Pishon, flowed around the land of Havilah, where gold was found. The gold is exceptionally pure (duh). Aromatic resin and onyx stone are also found there. The second branch, called the Gihon, flowed around the entire land of Cush. No word on if marijuana was grown there. The third branch, called the Tigris (this one I’ve heard of), flowed east of Asshur. The fourth branch is called the Euphrates (2 for 4).
God expected the man to take care of the Garden of Eden. But God warned him, “You can eat the fruit of any tree, except from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you will die. 100 percent. Dead.” He was such a tease.
The God said, “Nobody likes being lonely.” So God called all the animals to Eden and let the man name them all.

But something was still missing.
So God gave him ambien. While he slept, God took a rib (I’m assuming the ambien was laced with an anesthetic). Then God made a woman from the rib. (I know, I’d like some details too).
The man exclaimed “At last! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” Sure.
This explains why guys leave their parents and get married. No idea why women leave.
Here’s the big reveal: they were both shamelessly naked!


Kids Say the…Meanest Things

“I’ll kill them all, then we’ll win.”

This will be a recurring post depending on how creative the kids at work get. All quotes are from elementary aged kids.

“I’ll kill them all, then we’ll win.” – J, after we lost a game of soccer to other kids.

“Shut up with your Jacob looking self.” – K, dissing a boy named Jacob.

“I just wanna rip their faces off, then it’ll be all better.” – J (Clearly the star)

Accidental Baptism. Better Than Accidental Bris.

The only thing worse than an accidental baptism? An accidental bris.

This blog is all over the place (like this post). It’s hard focusing on one area. I want to share my daily experiences of living with major depression. I guess documenting random things does that.

Anyway, I skipped Monday because I didn’t feel like rushing a post (patience is key in our depressed household). We took Emily to the park to play with her cousin. Like most things I don’t plan on, I wasn’t feeling it beforehand, but Laura had the day off & spending time with adults can’t be a bad for me, so I embraced it. And I had a good time. I took my laptop and a book (The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt) in case I got bored, but we threw the football & I pushed them in the swing, even talked my nephew into rolling down a hill. Laura almost baptized Emily (whom she was carrying) by nearly falling in a stream, then Laura’s sister peed herself from laughter. Good times.

I wasn’t sure what to call the body of water Laura almost fell in, so I looked it up. According to this site you can step over a brook, jump a creek, wade across a stream & swim across a river.

Switching gears, I’ve been slogging through 6-mile runs for marathon training. After doing 12 miles Sunday, I feel ready for my next 6-miler. My 12-miler wasn’t miserable, but it reminded me there’s always something worse. We all have problems in our lives, big or small, relevant or irrelevant, but every now & then we’re reminded of the positives. Ta-da! That kind of makes sense.