Fall brings cool weather, beautiful foliage, football, breezy runs and utter happiness. So much happiness I spend time wondering why and where it comes from. Nostalgia? I have wonderful memories from every season. Shouldn’t summers of inexhaustible heat and memories of endless days playing basketball bring the same happiness? Those were THE days. I should mention this feeling has gotten stronger since I’ve been on lexapro. The first week I took my medicine we were vacationing in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. It made me feel drowsy at first and put a hazy filter over my vision. But at least I knew something was happening. That doesn’t explain my love for fall. And I’m not complaining. A fall day outside my back doorstep is like a Snapchat filter. I get eager before going outside. Lacing my shoes and glancing through the rectangles of glass in the door. Stepping outside, I smell it. Not pumpkin spice. I inhale that indescribable smell and my lungs fill with happiness.


5 Truths of Life

The illusion of fairness and other truths of life.

I’m going to share the 5 truths of life Laura sent me the other day. Clearly, this isn’t an exhaustive list, and if you have some you’d like to add, put them in the comments.

  • Everything Changes and Comes to an End

A perfect example is life. We go through so many changes, planned & unplanned (see #2). We change jobs. Ideas change. Feelings change. Interests change. Friends change. And then it ends. At least this life we’re currently living ends.

  • Things Don’t Always Go According to Plan

No shit.

  • Life Isn’t Always Fair

This is something I want to teach our child. Fairness should never be counted on. Life is unfair from the beginning. I played no part in where I was born or the parents I was born to. Neither did the child born to a single parent, living in a makeshift hut.

Learning to let go of the illusion of fairness makes life easier, freeing up time to work with your current situation.

  • Pain is Part of Life

The most evident truth. Pain is what makes joy so pleasurable.

  • People Are Not Always Loving and Loyal

Unfortunately. And just because loyalty is a desired trait doesn’t mean loyalty should be practiced blindly.

Crying at 14,000 Feet

What skydiving taught me about fear and what it’s like to spoon another man during freefall.

I jumped out of a plane Saturday. With another man attached to my back. (Maybe I should have titled this post “Spooning at 14,000 Feet”).

I’d wanted to go skydiving for the longest time and I finally got to do it. Standing on the edge of the little plane (completely stripped other than two uncomfortable benches) my senses were overwhelmed. I stood there for three seconds waiting to jump, yet I can’t remember the scene below. I don’t remember the propeller’s roar in my ear or the wind rushing past the open door. I remember crab-walking to the edge and then nothing. My memory resumes in freefall, about thirty seconds after jumping, as I approach 120 mph. My brain needed that time to process the senses I was experiencing. Colorful parachutes circling below of those who jumped before me. The feeling of flying alone (somehow I’d forgotten about the large man attached to my back). The air rushing past me on all sides as I hurtled toward the ground. The beauty of it all made me want to cry.

A commercial airplane flies considerably higher than 14,000 feet, but I could see so much more. My view was unobstructed. I was hit with a wave of nausea once the parachute deployed, my body’s way of saying “What are you doing up here?”

The experience taught me about fear, something I didn’t experience until I jumped from the plane. (Although I was shaken when the pilot yelled “I need some weight off the back! Swap seats!”) According to Psychology Today, fear is an emotional response induced by a perceived threat, causing changes in brain and organ function, as well as in behavior. The thought of being injured or killed during my jump never crossed my mind. Not to mention, statistics were on my side (1 fatality per 500,000 tandem jumps). Even my instructor said he gets a little nervous before every jump. I was perfectly calm. Now, when my feet first left the plane I immediately became terrified. The most terrifying couple of seconds in my life.

Why wasn’t I scared or even a bit nervous? Because I was determined to jump. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t go skydiving. I want to apply that determination to the rest of my life. Taking chances is scary. Change is scary. Chasing a dream is scary. But accepting that beforehand makes facing it easier. Being determined to do something eliminates the need for fear. That elimination of fear is your body saying “Fuck it. He’s gonna do what he’s gonna do.” Acceptance doesn’t mean it won’t be scary, it will be. You just won’t have to fight the fear until you’re facing it.

Featured: Watch Meghan Run

HUGE THANK YOU to Meghan Hale for featuring me on her blog, Watch Meghan Run.

HUGE THANK YOU to Meghan Hale for featuring me on her blog. This was my first time working with another blogger and the experience reinforced how amazing the blogging community is. You can read the post here, where I answered some questions I haven’t shared on my own blog.

As evidenced by my own posts and this feature, running is about more than pounding the pavement. It provides so many life lessons and every runner has a story. So even if you’re not into running, follow her at Watch Meghan Run.

You can also follow her on Instagram @meghan487.

Food Accountability

I am addicted to sugar and sweets. I hope this post provides me with more accountability.

I am addicted to sugar and sweets of any kind. Cupcakes. Muffins. Candy. Cakes. Even sweets I don’t particularly like, I can’t ignore the temptation to eat everything within my reach. To a lesser extent, I’m addicted to food.

I realize there are some people who are truly ADDICTED to food, so I don’t want to minimize what they’re struggling with, but I do have a less-than positive relationship with food. I overeat. Food satisfies me in more ways than satiating my hunger.

I am much better than I used to be when I was nearly 50 pounds heavier, but I still have work to do. I want to lessen my ordinarily high sugar intake so I can enjoy the times I do eat sweets without feeling guilty about the cumulative effect. Especially when I’m not sure I even want to eat what I’m about to put in my mouth. That’s my main goal. My other goal is to stop overeating at dinner. My portion sizes have gotten better, but I have a habit of eating leftovers throughout the night. This is usually brought on by boredom.

I hope this post provides some measure of accountability for me. I know Laura is tired of hearing me complain about my eating habits.